Day 32: Making Bad Good

Today I had the opportunity to go back and serve at an outreach opportunity that I have been involved at my church. Once a month, we host a free community meal. I have been understandably absent the last two months and I have missed my kitchen peeps. Cooking in the kitchen for this meal is truly one of the highlights of my service to God. It is a physical expression of everything I believe. It was so good to be back in the kitchen. 

And my kitchen peeps told me they missed me. My salty humor and all. And I missed them. It was a bittersweet day because a) I didn't have the energy to stay there all day and b) it was my last time serving before we move. 

I've found that in the midst of the chaos of my life; the grief, the anger, and the pain, there are two things that make me feel real and normal again: 

1) Serving others. Everyone has sorrow going on in their lives. Yeah--I've got a doozy of crap on my shoulders right now, but looking outside of myself keeps me from wallowing in self pity. I'm human people--I can make this all about me with the best of them. Serving others reminds me that I am not the only person in pain, with tragedy or with frustrations. We are all in this human condition together. 

2) Exercise. Physically--after cooking all morning--I had to come home and take a nap. I've found my cancer makes me tired. I either take a nap or go to bed really early. It is what it is. Today I got a nap and a second wind and headed out for a walk. I miss running and weight lifting, but this is my Christ Walk now. And I know when I have not been able to walk. My mood is down. I feel physically drained and I don't cope as well with my anxiety and fear. My walk keeps me off my personal roller coaster. And it makes me feel normal and alive. As long as I walk, my cancer may be my personal parasite, but it's not owning me. I own it. And when I walk, I am able to pray. I am able to pray in some really deep ways that I am unable to do alone in my room or as I lay down for bed at night. I am able to cry behind my sunglasses and tell God how much I would really like to just put my head on his shoulder and rest. I am able to say that I really just don't want to die. I know I'll have my place in heaven, but I have so much more to do here. I am comforted on my walks that God is with me and I am free to be me. Tears, anger, frustrations and fears and all. And I always come back feeling better. 

So I think the two things I've learned to cope with this, no matter how things progress is that to continue to serve others and to walk with God and pray and cry will get me through my bad days. 

Cause as everyone asks "How are you?" My honest answer is there are bad days and good days and I think that continue no matter what. 

For today, I give thanks because

Today was a good day. 

My 9-11 Memory

Where was I on 9-11-01?  I was at work.  I was a nurse on the Medical-Surgical Intensive Care Unit at Albemarle Hospital in Elizabeth City, NC.  I was doing my morning vitals on my patient when I looked up at the TV in the room to see first plane hit the towers.  My first thought was, "Oh My Lord, those people!  What idiot would make such a stupid mistake?" My first reaction was disbelief and scorn.  I really thought someone had made just a stupid mistake.  As I continued to watch the news and the second plane crashed, I quickly came to realize this was no accident.  This was no coincidence.  We were being attacked. My disbelief remained, but an urgency and fear began to grown in place of scorn.  All of a sudden, the world was not a comfortable place in which we lived.

We were all shocked and scared.  I think back with thanks that none of our patients were too unstable  because we were all distracted by the events of the day.  As a hospital, we were preparing for overflow from New York and DC, our call charts were being updated, and we were identifying staff to fly to the sites to assist with caring for the injured.  It was an Emergency Preparedness Plan that no one ever thought they would have to engage.  At home, my husband had just signed his commission into the Army.  We wondered if his basic training requirements would be fast tracked and we were heading into a future of unknowns.  We were ensured the future we had chosen would be one with conflict, deployments, changes and challenges.  We were really walking into a future we could not predict.

Each year when 9-11 rolls through, I, and I am sure many others, want to hold their breath a little.   As an individual, I worry that we will be attacked again.  Fear creeps into my heart that this will be the year that many more will die senselessly.  I find myself trying to avoid the news, or worse, glued to it for news of a new attack.  I find myself looking over my shoulder wondering, are we really safe in the heartland of America? I find myself listening more closely than ever for a sound I might not recognize.  I find myself hyper-vigilant on this day each year. I find myself really confused about what to pray for. 

As a military spouse and daughter, I wonder if America's sons and daughters will again be called up to lay down their lives in defense of freedom.  Would this be the year that my husband would leave again?  Would my friends be facing similar questions?  Would my friends that are currently deployed be safe?  Will today be another 9-11?  I wonder secretly, if the sacrifice will ever be worth it?  Is it possible to spread freedom and peace to nations and sects that seem so adamantly against getting along with their neighbors?

As a Christian, I am mind-boggled that a group of people could hate America so much.  We are a country that believes more or less in "live and let live."  Modern Christianity doesn't go around killing people to convert them or because of their beliefs. We believe that sacrifice has already been given in Christ.  All Christ has asked us to do in return for his sacrifice, is to love one another.  To find the best in each other and share God's love.  In general, most Christians I know are happy to tell you about their faith if you would like to hear about it, but we have also been brought up that the most important commandment is to love one another, no matter your religion, gender, sexual orientation, race or whatever.  Seriously, between being American and Christian, we are at heart a people that like peace.  We want to work hard and play hard.  We want to enjoy the world that God has given us. We want to take care of it, defend it and share it.  We really don't want to be at war, but we will defend peoples' right to believe as they will and defend ourselves from acts of terrorism. Although war may be what we must do in order to protect the most people, it isn't at heart what we really WANT to do. We just want people to get along.  How bad can that be?  I am really confused why this cannot be good for the world at large, nor why this would be such a bone of contention from a group of people who are solely being asked to just love one another.  It's like my mama used to tell me, "If you cannot say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

No one is going to be happy or free in a world controlled by terrorists.

As 9-11 rolls around, I run.  I run for those that lost their lives in New York, In Pennsylvania, in DC.  I run for those that have continued to lose their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan in defense of freedom and a call to stabilize the world at large.  I run for those civilians that have lost their lives around the world from acts of terrorism.  I run for those that have served, who are serving both military and civilian, as firefighters and health care providers to take care of our people, to defend them and to nurture the world into a better place.  And as 9-11 rolls around, I try to pray.  I am not sure what to pray for, but I pray that I have faith in God, and in the big-picture scope of 9-11 that God's love will triumph.

On 9-11, I remember.