Day 20: you've got your good days and you've for your bad days

I just returned from a pavement pounding, fierce walk. 

Ten days post-op, some steps hurt more than others. However, I've yet to find any drug they've given me more effective in reducing pain, managing my mood, calming my anxiety, opening myself to prayer and releasing tension than exercise. I am thankful that while I cannot run, today's Christ Walk was a good walk. 

My mood has calmed. Not so much before I left. I was an irritable, anxious, pain filled mess that was frustrated right, left and center. 

Cancer is killing one of my friends. Cancer killed a friend of a friend. Cancer was making people miserable. Cancer makes my hands shake and my body ache. The information on the internet was trying to leach my resolve to be a warrior and remember I said I was still in pain. I never see things clearly when I am in pain and we are having a hard time managing my tumor pain. Ironic since two weeks ago, I didn't feel much of anything. The surgeon  thinks the surgery might have stirred things up. Yet another thing to discuss with my hematology-oncology (hemoc) doc. The list is getting long. 

But all the information on the internet was overwhelming me and scaring me. It's hard to find resolve when you see so

much negativity. So I decided to follow the advice of @kriscarr and start a cancer posse. These are the gals I can unload on and these are the gals that will do my research for me. I've told them I need to hear that I will survive and I've got a much better chance than 10 years. I need 30 or 40 years. That's not asking too much is it?

Also weighing on my mind are the results from my bone marrow biopsy.  Waiting has never been my forte. It seems God continues to try and teach me patience.  I fear I am a hopeless cause. Waiting, wondering and being unable to make plans drives me insane. 

Hence my irritability. I'm not depressed, I'm pissed. But at least when you are pissed, you feel really alive. Being angry is a very tangible thing to deal with. Being angry helped me attack my walk and made me feel almost normal. In spite of the pain, the frustration and anxiety, I walked almost four miles. 

It felt good. I might not be running any races any time soon, but I've got a goal to try and make it 10K steps per day. These steps will make me stronger and better ready to take on the chemo. And maybe next year, there will be a race to conquer. It will be nothing compared to cancer. 

Four in the Morning

0400 or 4 a.m. is not my normal waking hour.  It's truly a time for the birds.  At this time a year it is still dark.  I am up regularly by six and hard at work on a normal day.  5:30 isn't difficult, but 4?  Four in the morning is hard.  I am not used to it, I value my sleep and the only reason I am up at 4 a.m. is because I am sick, or my brain goes into overdrive.

This particular morning, 4 a.m. had my brain in overdrive.  There wasn't a moment that my brain did not having me worrying about my parenting skills, my job, my move, my life, my health.  At four in the morning, small issues become big issues. At four in the morning, there is no one to talk to, and nothing to do but get up.

On the upside, at four in the morning, my brain is fully alert by this point.  I blew through some work that I needed to do and was able to knock out my run before anyone in my house was up.  I felt accomplished early and this helps me get through the day.  My run was vitally important with so many worries going through my brain. My run was my outlet for my anxiety.  As this particular
Internet meme reflects, my run "keeps my crazy at bay."

And I find it so easy to pray when I run.  I'm not really sure why but physical activity brings me closer to God.  I can hand over those concerns and wrestle with God on my run to see me through to solutions or peace.  At four in the morning, this lets me face my family with a normal set of emotions that prevent me from flying off the handle when my emotional state is already high.

It's not so much that I think four in the morning is the magical time, because I know I would have preferred to be asleep, but I am struck how nice it is to get up, and take care of myself, my prayer, my exercise and my work before anyone else is stirring.  It's nice because I don't feel conflicted about my time and it seems to allow me to feel less rushed throughout the day.  Scheduling and making things a priority in your life can pay off in a big way.  Give it a try for several days and see if you notice a change in your attitude and your energy.

And at four in the morning, when I've gotten up when it's dark and quiet, I'm able to see the sun rise.  It's like having my own personal "Good morning" from God and the message is clear:  Even with the anxieties of my night, God says to me, "You've got this."