Monday, January 12, 2015

Cancer Day 125: Another Day with Cancer, Or Just Another Day?

I had every intention of writing a blog marking the 4-month passing of my diagnosis with lymphoma.  That day passed without me realizing it (7 January) until several days later when I realized my friend Ivey died from her cancer on the 4 month "anniversary" of my diagnosis.  You can wander through that coincidence yourself.  I will not.  Ivey's death hit me far harder than I was prepared for.  Her memorial service was beautiful and just the thing to say good bye to my friend.  Although her death roused my own surpressed fears, it was necessary to look at them and remind myself that I am trusting in God.  No matter how little I understand, nor how little I can comprehend of God's intentions, I am learning contentment in trust.  EVERYTHING else that I cannot control or handle, goes into God's hands.

With that said, thinking back on my "4-month diagnosis anniversary", I've realized that although my cancer still lies in my body (a sleeping giant?), life goes on.  The move came and went. Life goes on.  Christmas came and went.  Life goes on.  Families came and went. Life goes on. Births and deaths and work and school have come and continued the cycle of life. Life goes on.

The fact that my 120 days passed without my awareness is a good thing.  It means I too, am moving on.  My cancer is VERY much a part of me.  There are days it rears its ever-loving head and says "hey, you, you've got cancer, pay attention to me!" And I pull out my metaphorical baseball bat and beat it back into submission.  It's nice that more days go by that it is just a passing thought than something that stalks my brain every day.

It means life has gone on for me.  And that's good.  I'll continue to wait and watch and mark the passing of each month of my dignosis anniversary, because each month means I'm closer to passing a year of staying healthy with my tumors a part of me.  Those are my kind of goals for the new year.  Health with Illness.  I know that statement will resonate with a lot of people.  We don't exercise and get fit to have a better body; we exercise and get fit to tame the illness that rests within us. The exercise and fitness ensures that illness doesn't take a toehold in our body that won't let go.  I don't find myself driven by hypothetical PRs anymore. Exercise isn't about being a beast or a stud in the gym anymore, exercise is about whatever I can do to stay fit and sane.  Every day that I am active and another diagnosis anniversary passes, is a win for me. 

I've actually turned into a calmer, more contented version of my self as each day passes.  God has answered those prayers of mine for peace and acceptance.  I asked to be able to live my life, even with this beast in me.  And God has granted me those prayers.  Even with cancer, another day is another day.