Thursday, October 10, 2013

My most stellar self


This weekend, I wasn’t at my most stellar self.  I got upset at my children, was impatient and crabby:  Snappish.  I probably wasn’t very pleasant to be around.  While there are a multitude of reasons _why_ I was like this, in my heart, I don’t feel like it justifies being a crazy person. We all know it happens.  It happens to us all because we are fallible, and have feelings, but we all wish we didn’t have those moments when we react instead of thinking through the frustration and stress.

 As I went to bed, I prayed for forgiveness.  I prayed for peace of mind and heart and patience. I prayed for serenity.  I often pray that God helps me to stop and think before reacting. Each year I think I get a little better at it.

As I lay in bed trying to move beyond this bad day, I had a light-bulb moment.  I knew that God forgave me.  Not only because that’s what I have been taught, but I know God forgives.  I understand implicitly that God’s forgiveness is for me and for anyone who asks for it. What is more difficult is accepting God’s forgiveness and then forgiving yourself.  I had to realize I made a mistake, accept that forgiveness and let it be as far from the east is from the west in my mind as well as it is in God’s mind.  It is not God that dwells on my sin.  It is I that keeps that sin alive by not allowing the forgiveness of God into my heart.  Once I let that forgiveness in, it was much easier to move on and then the next day, return to my most stellar self.  J