Sunday, October 12, 2014

10/11/2014. Day 5: In sickness and in health

I'm not sure if you call it irony, or if it's just an awareness of the passing of time and how it plays out in your life. Maybe it is just an awareness of the passing of events when you seem hypersensitive to important things in life. But my life, and my health converged this weekend. 

Anyway, We came to Seattle this weekend to celebrate the wedding of a dear friend to a wonderful, wonderful woman. Ironically, at the time my lymphnodes were beginning to swell and grow with cancer, we were on our way through the southwest and were stopping to see these friends at their new duty station. Unknown to us, the night before we had arrived, they had finally gotten engaged. We were some of the first people to get to celebrate with them on their new engagement. Over margaritas, red chili sauce and sopapillas, we toasted the joy of two fantastic people finding each other. I remember how happy I was that Jason had finally found love. We were so excited for them. 

As summer unfolded and I began to go through multiple tests to figure out what was wrong with me, we had continued to correspond with Jason and Sarah about their big day. We still had no clue there was cancer. No one really thought I had cancer, let alone me.  Keep in mind, overall, I still feel fine. 

I digress, I had told Treb long ago that when Jason finally tied the knot, we would be there. We bought our tickets and got the kids excited about attending their first wedding. Jason and Sarah had asked us to do one of the readings during the service and we were honored to be included in their day. I love to read the bible aloud out church. I can think of no better way to be a part of someone's wedding. 

Three days before we fly out for this great event, I found out about my cancer. I looked at Treb and told him I couldn't get in front of a group of people and read God's word. There was no way the words would come out without me crying. And at the end of the day, I didn't want Jason's wedding to be about me. I wanted it to be about their love. We called Jason to tell them we would still be there, but that Treb would speak for both of us.  My heart would be 100% there, if not my voice. Once again, I felt a certain amount of shame and guilt that I couldn't control myself, but I knew this was the right decision. I did not want this day to be about me or about cancer. 

And as Treb stood up to read from Isaiah, I cried because I couldn't do it myself. I cried because it was a wedding and I cried because my heart is still so very raw. As Jason and Sarah pledge to love another through sickness and health until death do them part, I could not stop the stream of tears. I turned to Treb and simply said, thank you. I'm sure when he married me 16 years ago, he didn't think he would really be loving me through sickness, but he is. And as Jason and Sarah start their life together, I know Jason will love her through sickness and health as well.