It's a very physical sensation. My lungs don't feel as though they can fully expand. It hitches in the back of my throat. My heart squeezes tight and I am overwhelmed with the wrong type of thoughts. My eyes bead with tears and negativity overwhelms me.
The creeping fear that I won't beat this sinks into my mind. My whole self feels covered in a black malaise. A cloak of everything that is not me feels like it takes over. And I worry that I will kiss my children good bye on a death bed. I do not want this. I am at a constant battle with myself of placing all my trust in God and trying to control the outcome of this season. It is an impossible battle that rages in my heart.
I can also tell you that pain is a conduit to this fear. When I am hurting it's far more easy for the bleak thoughts to take over. At these times I reread the notes that I have been sent to lift me up and remember that I am stronger than all this. I have angels watching over me. I know God knows the petitions of my heart (I have been a broken record about them). I know I must be brave.
But some nights, it's really hard.