Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I am so very angry at God

Friends,  I wrote this yesterday. I've sat on it for a day and have decided to go ahead and post this. I've decided that this will be Christ Walk II: My journey with cancer. 

Day1:

I just found out I have cancer. My body, as usual, has betrayed me. An angry fire lives under my skin and I fight the tears that try to leak out. I am hot. I am cold. I am sweating. I shiver. I feel like I may throw up. 

I am so pissed right now. I'll ask your forgiveness for my crudity later but this is raw. I am angry. Furious with God.  Furious with my body and furious with life. 

What did I ever do to deserve this?  I don't understand how living a clean life, following the good book and trying my damndest leads me to this.  I have more questions than answers. I am in a stage. I hate being in a stage. I am a statistic. I hate being a statistic. 

I do not want cancer. And with all apologies to my friends with cancer, I don't want to be labeled a cancer patient. I can say with 100% confidence that I am sure they don't or did not want to be either. This cancer business is seriously inconvenient. 

I do not want a litany of doctors or visits. I have been there, done that. I do not want this journey that is set before me. I do not want this season. 

I want a normal life. I want to raise my children. Grow old with my husband. I want to travel and eat good food. I want to see my grandchildren and see my kids' marriage and graduating from college and being successful. I want a normal body. I've had an abnormal body my entire life. I hate my abnormal body. 

I don't want to hear that I am a warrior or a conqueror or how tough I am. I have been there done that. I'm ok with a drama free life. I'm ok with the status quo. I'm ok with the boring. 

And I feel utterly betrayed by God. I realize in part of my brain how silly this is but this is how I feel. I feel like I've done something wrong and that I am being punished for some unknown deed. 

I am pissed. My cheeks feel like frying pans are sitting on the hard shelf of my cheekbones and my head throbs. I am not ready for this. I have follicular lymphoma. As far as cancers go, it's probably the "right" one to have. It is treatable and mostly non aggressive. That doesn't make me want it more. I wish I could turn back time and not pick up the phone with my surgeon. I am not ready for this. 

But I will be. Let me grieve. Let me get angry and let me find my fighting spirit. I will win this war against cancer. I will find my spiritual equilibrium. I will find the glass half full. 

But until then, I will grieve and I will be angry. Bear with me on this new journey I am beginning.