Thursday, October 9, 2014

Day 3: coming out of the closet

10/9/2014. Day three: Yesterday I came out of the closet. The cancer closet. I wrote a pretty raw blog about my diagnosis. I wasn't sure how it would be received. I know sometimes that my Christ Walk posts can get to be too much for people. It's ok. I get that. But I find writing therapeutic and this was my time to chronical the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. 

My aunt used to tell me I cried so prettily. If only she saw me yesterday as I scrolled through the overwhelming love and support sent to me via text, calls, emails, messages and posts. I couldn't catch my breath at times. I sobbed. I cried. I felt unworthy of the love that was being sent. I am overwhelmed. Those hot spots under my cheeks seem to have taken permanent residence. I do not feel deserving of such love. I am humbled that somehow I have touched so many people that they feel called to touch me and my family back. You all have done for me what I asked that I could not do myself. You have prayed for me with words I cannot articulate. I don't know how to say thank you in any possible way but thanks. I mean with all the crap in the world, there are so many awesome, loving people that make it an amazing place. There is hope for the world with all the amazing children of god who have touched me. The news shows can take their negative crap and shove it. Amazing, beautiful and miraculous people live around us far more than the crap that is highlighted on a daily basis. You all are the hope of the world. 

The most amazing thing happened from the messages I received. I finally found hope. I wasn't feeling hopeful before. I couldn't see past the shock, the misery, the anger or the despair. I was fueled yesterday. And that is an irreplaceable gift. I heard stories of those that have been through the same thing as I and have conquered their cancer. I have heard positive statistics and I have heard God's love. I'm still not happy with my lot. I would wish it away in a heartbeat and I still pray the doctors are wrong. But I'm wrapped in the loving care of my friends and family and for that, I cannot thank you all enough. 

Yesterday marked the first trip to the oncologist. The vampires descended on my veins. I was pumped with radioactive isotopes for a PET scan and learned that my cancer is further a long than I had hope. It has snuck into my neck, chest and abdomen. Next week I head in for two surgical procedures: one a bone marrow biopsy to see if it has invaded my bones and a second to remove my appendix. We are working details or figuring out my treatment plan and how to get care immediately upon arrival in DC. 

I do know the prayers and love make a difference. Please don't stop. God hears you even when my own prayers are feeble. I have not lost faith. I still believe fiercely in God. I am simply so angry at this that God is the only thing strong enough to withstand my anger and still tell me it will be ok. 

Thank you. From all that I am and all that I will be. Anna.